Forgiveness

Do we have the capacity to truly forgive?

Can we truly forgive someone and let it go? And if we can; what does that mean and how does that look like exactly?

Truth to be told: I’m not so sure if I have ever truly forgiven anyone for their (perceived) wrong-doings. Oh sure, I will have tried to talk to them, to work things out and often even succeeded in doing so. But; I have never forgotten and quite possibly: I have never truly forgiven them either. I might have chosen to continue with the friendship, the partnership or the relationship because those people mean so much to me, but I have most certainly never really forgotten “that incident”, that hurt me so deeply.

And if things have escalated that badly and to the point in which I saw myself forced to end that particular friendship, partnership or relationship completely, then isn’t the fact that I chose to lead my life without them from now on not testament, that I haven’t forgiven them? That I haven’t really let it go?

Let’s assume you find yourself in a relationship in which your partner has cheated on you. You try to work things out, you go to counselling, you try to do whatever you feel could actually help you to overcome that feeling of betrayal; but ultimately - your trust was broken beyond repair and that there is no saving that relationship and thus: you guys break up.

More likely than not, that break-up is now forever and that person is no longer in your life in any shape or form or capacity. Can you really tell me that you have truly forgiven them for what they have done? Let's say you worked on forgiveness, done all your Ho’oponoponos a million times and done your 21-day forgiveness exercises, etc. and that you found release, healing and peace thanks to doing them. But you still chose to never interact with that person again, because they betrayed you and misused your trust. You still want to see them eat, but simply no longer at your table.

Doesn’t the fact that you chose to go on with your life without them from now on not imply that you haven’t forgiven them? Because if you truly had forgiven them and all was good again, wouldn’t that mean you could be friends again?

I really don’t think I have truly forgiven or forgotten anything. I’ve done my healing exercises and what happened is no longer (in most cases) impacting my behaviors, my believes and my actions in the here and now, but have I truly forgiven them? I.DONT.THINK.SO!

And even more so: are we not the sum of all of our experiences? All that we ever felt and experienced shaped us into who we are. All the tears, the worries, the fears, the wounds, the dramas and traumas, as well as all the laughter, the love, the warmth and all the compassion we have ever experienced, shaped us into who we are today. And I believe that what we LEARN and make out of those experiences, is where the growth lies. But if we are to let go of it, are we not letting go of a part of us too? If we truly forgive, does that not mean that we are letting go of a lesson that was very pivotal in our growth?

And why are we always so keen of wanting to let go of all of our “negative” experiences anyway, but we cling on to the good ones for dear life? All of it shaped and molded us into who we are and what we stand for today.

I believe that healing is necessary. I believe we need to “let go” and “forgive” so that we can find our own inner peace again and readdress our own self-love, self-acceptance and work on our standards and our frameworks.

But I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone ever truly forgive someone else for something that deeply hurt them. One classic example of that is when couples fight, they famously start throwing at each other all the hurtful stuff again that happened two, tree of even five years ago. Clearly proving that neither one of them has forgiven nor forgotten and most likely: not healed yet either.

Maybe my interpretation of the word “forgiveness” is simply tainted from all those years of Sunday school and I actually don’t truly understand the meaning of the word. In biblical terms the interpretation of the word forgiveness seems to imply some sort of ultimate sacrifice. Didn’t Jesus famously say while hanging at the cross: “Father forgive them, for they do not know what they have done.” Or the famous: “Jesus would have turned the other cheek”. It implies self-sacrifice beyond the boundaries of what is healthy, no?

The psychological definition of forgiveness below however is defined differently, and this is probably a definition I can get on board with.

So maybe I have forgiven after all. Not in the biblical sense but in the psychological sense at least.

“A conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.

Just as important as defining what forgiveness is, though, is understanding what forgiveness is not. Experts who study or teach forgiveness make clear that when you forgive, you do not gloss over or deny the seriousness of an offense against you. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or excusing offenses. Though forgiveness can help repair a damaged relationship, it doesn’t obligate you to reconcile with the person who harmed you, or release them from legal accountability.

Instead, forgiveness brings the forgiver peace of mind and frees him or her from corrosive anger. While there is some debate over whether true forgiveness requires positive feelings toward the offender, experts agree that it at least involves letting go of deeply held negative feelings. In that way, it empowers you to recognize the pain you suffered without letting that pain define you, enabling you to heal and move on with your life.”

(Copyright, all rights reserved: Kashaya Templeton 2020)